Hi Everyone,
I am going to describe something I used to do when I myself was a middle schooler and I am not quite sure where it will land on the embarrassment scale. In the home where I grew up, we didn’t have cable television until my late high school years. Through my early teen years, along with the one family television in the living room, my mom had a small handheld black & white television that she kept in the kitchen. Whenever I thought I could get away with it, I would swipe the handheld television and bring it to my room so I could watch, among other shows, episodes of Baywatch, the timeless television series about a team of lifeguards dedicated to saving lives while perpetually dressed in undersized swimwear. This was before broadband so I had to figure out how to use some aluminum foil on the antennae to improve the reception in my room, though I don’t share this story as evidence of my ingenuity and problem-solving skills. And to be clear, my interest in Baywatch as a 13-year old was not because I had become a loyal fan of American acting legend David Hasselhoff from his days on Knight Rider. I am offering this somewhat awkward personal story to all of you to break the ice and in service of a more challenging parenting topic that I think, despite the discomfort that is attached, is helpful and appropriate to introduce -- and that’s the subject of internet pornography. As my too-much-information Baywatch story speaks to, fascination with and curiosity about sex is certainly not a new aspect of adolescence. For many teens it’s often one of the newer and interesting subjects to learn more about either on their own or with peers. Pornography is also not a new dimension of modern society, but what is fundamentally different is that access to it used to require at least some modicum of effort. Now, anyone at any age with a smartphone can readily call it up at any time of the day for free. Please know that I raise the issue of internet porn not with an interest in offering moral or legal commentary. While opinions about pornography in general may vary, I would be surprised if any of us thinks that guidance about sex and relationships for young adolescents should come courtesy of internet pornography. And yet there is more evidence (including a few of my own school principal anecdotes from the past couple of years) that a portion of the informal education young people are receiving on this subject comes in the form of sexually explicit online material. This exposure could skew not only their understanding of sexual activity, but also of the language and rituals involved with the things that are newer to them like flirtation, courtship, and dating. The material is sometimes stuff they discover on their own - either by accident or on purpose, or that’s shared with them by peers. With that in mind, I want to suggest that though the idea of talking with our kids about things associated with sex can already be an uncomfortable one for many of us, you might need to strongly consider how you will also fold information about internet porn into those conversations.
I was originally planning on raising this topic later in the school year once newer families know me a bit better. Since half of you have kids at RJ Grey who only four months ago were students in elementary school I was also a tad nervous about making your heads implode. I accelerated the timing of when I would raise this issue mostly because of a recent article that I came across this past week by Kate Post in the Washington Post called, “A scared parent’s guide to those awkward (but necessary) conversations about Internet porn”, and is the one I plan to use to help me prepare for the conversation I am committed to having with my own kids. I haven’t had that talk yet, I am nervous about it, but I’m going to do it and I’ve got some ideas about when and where (see below). The author of this article does a really nice job framing the issue in easy-to-access language, and offers practical suggestions for how to approach a conversation with your kids. She reminds us that the conversation doesn’t have to be perfect, nor particularly lengthy, to be effective and provide entry points for future conversations. Reading the piece reaffirmed for me the value of trying to introduce to RJ Grey families this issue with a bit of humor and vulnerability, along with direct and honest information about the internet content that is a more common part of the landscape in which our kids are learning and discovering. While this edition of Grey Matters is my first foray into raising the issue of internet porn, it was a year ago this week that I brought up the growing complexity around the broader conversations we need to consider having with our kids about romance, sex, consent and healthy relationships. Last year, the inspiration was the heavy media coverage of the nomination hearings for then-Supreme Court candidate Kavanaugh. At that time, I noted that the larger public discourse could be viewed as an opportunity for families to provide direct guidance about the power and impact of certain words and behaviors, and clear explanations about what ethical, kind, and respectful behavior looks like. I am inclined to believe that the conversations I have been having with my kids on those subjects might also offer natural opportunities to introduce messaging about internet pornography and how that material might collide and conflict with our family’s ideas around respectful and healthy relationships, and appropriate expectations. Rather than turning to my kids one night and abruptly declaring, “ok, we’re gonna talk about internet pornography for five minutes and I need you to listen,” I’m predicting that I’ll find more success (and experience less humiliation) by adding that material to conversations already underway about relationships. To assist families who were interested last year in these conversations, I introduced them to the organization Making Caring Common, an initiative based at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education that is dedicated to “helping educators, parents and communities raise children who are caring and responsible to their communities.” As part of that introduction I included this brief article by Dr. Richard Weissbourd. Focusing specifically on sexual harassment and misogyny this piece offers parents strategies for inviting their children into a conversation that can be tricky to initiate. Making Caring Common also has a resource page entitled, “Teens and Ethical Romantic Relationships” that includes several resources, handouts and guides for parents and schools who want to help adolescents develop comfort and skill in establishing healthy relationships with peers, romantic or otherwise. To be sure, not all of what is included may fully resonate with you, but perhaps it offers you some materials that are useful. Even though this week’s Grey Matters may have thrown you for a loop or been a bit jarring in terms of the subject, I’m very much hoping that it’s received by all of you with a clear sense of the good intentions and goals that motivated me to write it. And more importantly, that the Baywatch story won’t lead to my being on the receiving end of odd looks from all of you for the rest of the year.
A few announcements and reminders for the next couple of weeks:
You will recall that we had plans to conduct our first of two annual ALICE drills two weeks ago, and then we made the decision to postpone that drill because of other priorities that developed. We have rescheduled the ALICE drill to take place at the end of this coming week. I will be sure to send out a note to families shortly after the exercise is completed.
A reminder to 8th grade families that Minuteman Technical High School will be visiting RJ Grey this Tuesday and Wednesday to provide students with a brief overview of the school and the application process. Because the town of Boxborough is no longer a member of the Minuteman district, there is a different process for Boxborough students and families interested in a vocational route next year. Attending the Minuteman presentation still makes sense for Boxborough students given that it could still be the right option for them, and please stay tuned for additional details about the process and options for exploring additional vocational programs. For any families who want to know more about Minuteman Tech, I would encourage you to email your child's counselors.
Two calendar reminders for this Thursday and next Wednesday The Junior High and High School have our first Early Release day this Thursday, October 3, and staff will then participate in professional learning for the remainder of the day. Dismissal for students is at 11:10am at the Junior High and all standard bus routes will be available at that time. Please note that the Late Bus will not be available that day. I would encourage families to discuss and confirm with their child plans for this early release and expectations regarding transportation and post-release activities. Next week there will be no school on Wednesday, October 9 for Yom Kippur.
Finally, I hope those of you who attended last week’s Back to School Night found the evening to be informative and valuable. Congratulations to parents Becki Norris and Jennifer Spadano-Gasbarro for their election to this year’s School Council. The level of parent and family support that we have in Acton-Boxborough is no secret, and we know that partnering with all of you is central to a successful school year. Along with connecting with teachers by email or phone, please remember that we have a “team meeting” option that is also available to families. Teams have, about once a week, a period where parents/guardians can schedule a 20-minute meeting to connect with their child’s team teachers. This is an opportunity for some families to share information and concerns, and ask questions, and for teachers (and the team counselor) to do the same. The availability of appointments usually ebbs and flows over the course of the year, so during busy periods the next available appointment is a few weeks out. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment, you can email our Registrar Lena Jarostchuk ([email protected]) or call her at extension x3330.
Have a great week, everyone.
Cheers,
