R.J. Grey Junior High School

Hi Everyone, 

I have a very clear memory of the times as an adolescent when I asked my mother for a weekly allowance.  She would have an amused look on her face and reply, “You already get an allowance, we let you live in the house, don’t we?”  And then she would add, “and you get your own room where you sneak off with the handheld television I keep in the kitchen.” Ok, so she never said the last part, though I’m starting to wonder if she ever thought it.  Before diving too deep into this subject of allowances I should, out of respect for my parents who don’t get to send all of you a weekly newsletter rebuttal, first acknowledge that while I never received a weekly allowance, my needs -- and many wants -- were certainly addressed in ways that I as an adult now fully understand and appreciate as quite generous.  This memory resurfaced recently when I came across this article in the New York Times that summarized a recent survey reporting that two-thirds of parents give their children an allowance, and that the weekly average is now up to $30.  I’m a little curious about the demographic make-up of the families who were surveyed, and I also wonder how much that figure is influenced by the fact that 4% of parents surveyed indicated that they provide a weekly allowance to their children between the ages of 22 and 25.  The idea of a weekly allowance has never been heavily discussed with my wife and kids, though there are moments when it’s tempting to revisit the idea. Those moments usually take place shortly after one or more of them mistakes a “want” for a “need” , though I also appreciate that an allowance can provide an ongoing opportunity to talk meaningfully about making choices, saving money, and being an educated consumer.  While not giving our kids an allowance isn’t something that I’ve thought too much about, I have struggled with the fact that we’ve been inconsistent with our expectations around household chores, also a subject receiving some renewed attention.  There’s a decent amount of research that supports what many might view as obvious, which is that instilling at an earlier age a sense of responsibility extends into other dimensions of their lives and according to a study highlighted in this article, also leads to happier children.  Additionally, there’s been more encouragement lately to not underestimate the long-term benefits and lifelong skills that adolescents develop through household chores, especially in terms of establishing a work ethic and mindset that is a prerequisite to comfortably navigating the responsibilities inherent in adult life.  Julie Lythcott-Haims, formerly the Dean of Admissions at Stanford, has recently explored the issue of “overparenting” and raising kids to be self-sufficient in her book, How to Raise an Adult, which I enjoyed reading this past summer and would recommend to those who are looking for a pretty easy, but thought-provoking read.  Despite my agreement with Lythcott-Haims and others, the challenge that Melisa and I have perpetually faced is that we often succumb quickly to two powerful forces: (1) the incredible stalling tactics that come so naturally to Shen children - there’s some real talent there; and (2) that with so many frenetic moments in the day and week, it’s just easier and quicker if we do this chore, or that chore, ourselves. It’s been recommended to me that having the kids responsible for their laundry is a good place to start because they would quickly experience the natural consequence of not completing that chore with a lack of clean/preferred clothes to wear.  I don’t know if the laundry is where our family will start, but I know it will be important to start with something manageable and simple, and go from there.  

Here’s a few reminders and updates to keep in mind for the next few weeks: 

There is no school this Wednesday as it is Yom Kippur.  Wishes for an easy fast to those of you who observe that holiday.  There will be no homework or assessments scheduled for the following day (Thursday).    

There is also no school the following Monday, October 14 as it is the Columbus Day long weekend.  

Interim reports for the Fall Trimester are scheduled to be sent around October 16 or 17.  I will include in next week’s Grey Matters a summary of the intent of interims and what families might expect as part of those forms.  

Halloween is Thursday, October 31 and so I’ll include a note in an upcoming Grey Matters about our school’s Halloween Dress Up Day tradition.  This will include a reminder about how to help your students enjoy the event (should they choose to participate) while also being thoughtful in their choice of costume/outfit. 

It’s only been a week since I offered some potentially jarring information about internet pornography in last Monday’s Grey Matters, and you may not feel much closer or more prepared to considering a conversation with your kids on this topic.  But perhaps it created an opening for you and other parents, friends and neighbors to compare notes and ideas about the issue?  After I sent out last week’s newsletter, a colleague who is glad that the topic is being raised reminded me that the biennial Youth Risk Behavior Survey now includes questions around adolescent use of social media and viewing of pornography.  As a reminder, the Youth Risk Behavior Survey is administered every other year to 6th grade, 8th grade and high school students throughout the area (Concord, Carlisle, Littleton, Acton, Boxborough, Groton, etc.) to gather information regarding targets for health education and supports.  Because the last survey was administered in Spring of 2018, we’re actually scheduled to have 8th grade students take the survey later this Spring, and 8th grade families will receive a separate letter about that later in the Winter. In the meantime, you could review the 2018 data by clicking here, and below are the results for four of the questions that are directly or indirectly related to the subject of internet pornography and the responses given by students in Acton-Boxborough (pages 36-40 of the report).  

Finally, I’m predicting that in a few short months I’ll begin my annual public lament about the bitterly cold weather that makes itself at home in New England, and how the more temperate climate in San Francisco might be a better fit for my lifestyle.  But for now, I’m looking forward to the month of October given the crisp weather and the fall foliage. It’s also when the annual Head of the Charles Regatta takes place. Having had a rower as a roommate in college, and now being married to a former competitive rower, I developed a healthy appreciation for this sport and the many rewards that rowing offers.  Because this sport has historically been associated with mostly private schools at the secondary level, I was pleasantly surprised to learn a few years ago that middle and high school students at Acton-Boxborough have access to a local rowing program that includes a team for students from both Bromfield and Acton-Boxborough (click here to learn more) The athletic programs that we have at RJ Grey are a great fit and opportunity for a lot of our students, and for others the activity that really grabs their attention might be ones like rowing, and so I wanted to make sure to highlight this additional opportunity that’s available to our students at RJ Grey.  

Have a great week, everyone. 

Cheers,